FATHER TO THE FATHERLESS
Just a fair warning, it's about to get real... You likely clicked on this post because you are hurting from a pain caused by someone you never thought would be the source of your pain. I hear you; I see you, and I am here to help you. When we think of the word “Dad”, it brings us back to being a little girl and having a hero that is there to protect us and love us unconditionally. Unfortunately, not all of us will get to experience that.
This post is all about God being a Father to the fatherless.
Father To The Fatherless
The perfect dad
When you think of the perfect dad or the dad you want, what traits and qualities would you use to describe him? Protector, security, kind, respectful, wise, Jesus-seeking, compassionate, etc. The list sounds nice but to some, it's never more than just a list.
I heard a podcast a couple of weeks ago that described the pain caused by our “dads” as father wounds. I liked that term, so I am going to use that as I write. There are a lot of different types of father wounds out there. Maybe you never met your dad, maybe your dad walked out, maybe your dad was abusive, maybe he was an alcoholic or drug addict, just plain mean, or maybe he just isn’t capable of loving you the way God has called him to. Regardless of what situation you are in, it's all incredibly painful and leaves a father wound in your heart that is difficult to heal.
Evaluating the relationship
It is important to understand that our “earthly dads” are not capable of being perfect. However, we should not take abuse in any form. When your relationship with your earthly dad is causing you significant anxiety, stress, and hurt, it will impact you in a big way and create a stumbling block in your relationship with Christ. When this happens, it may be time to evaluate that relationship and decide what action needs to be taken. Maybe it is setting boundaries and having a conversation, maybe it is limiting access, or maybe it is ultimately having to walk away.
You’ve tried everything to have a good relationship.
I always encourage that as a Christian woman, you do everything in your power to try and make things right. However, I know for some it doesn’t always work out that way. How To Handle Unhealthy Relationships As A Christian does a really good job of explaining this!
Sometimes you have tried everything to get your dad to be proud, approve of your life choices, or just give you some type of words of affirmation, and he doesn’t. Maybe you have tried explaining how you feel and tried to set boundaries, and all you get is more hurtful behavior. You spend countless hours pleasing people, walking on eggshells, and being crippled by anxiety, to end with the same result every time. Pain and disappointment. It is deeply hurtful and leaves you asking “Why?” And you just cannot understand why the relationship is so hard.
Honestly, I think the deepest pain doesn’t come from the actual wrongdoing of the person who has hurt you, but instead, the reality you so badly don’t want to face. It is hard to admit and realize you have a father wound, and it’s even harder to admit that the relationship you desire will not become a reality. We paint a picture in our head of the dad we want and aimlessly try and turn our dad into the version we have imagined. The problem with this is that it prolongs us accepting reality which in turn prolongs our hurt and suffering.
Your feelings are valid.
Let me be the first to say, your feelings are valid! How you feel is how you feel, and all of those emotions have stemmed from some type of painful action or wrongdoing. You have every right to feel those feelings and don’t ever let anyone make you feel otherwise. Cry if you need to, scream, journal, and do what you need to get those emotions out so that you can begin the process of healing.
Once a father wound is there, it creates stress, anger, and grief. You may find yourself truly grieving the loss of the relationship you hoped for or dreamed of. You may be so angry at his choices or reactions to your efforts. All of these cycles have a negative impact on you and will consume your thoughts and day-to-day. It becomes a distraction, stealing your joy and peace. When this happens, it’s time to stop what you are doing and hit your knees in prayer.
Allowing yourself to grieve
Pour your heart out to God, speak aloud your thoughts, feelings, disappointment, all of it. Any relationship that ends can cause hurt but the loss of significant relationships, like with a dad, will come with grief. No matter what you try, you cannot fast-track grief, regardless of if you knew it was coming or not. Give yourself grace and time to fully grieve that relationship. The good part about this is that grief is your first step towards healing. Accepting your reality and moving forward to what God has in store for you.
God is your Heavenly Father
Remember, you are not walking this road alone. God is holding your hand, catching every tear, and will be your source of constant strength and peace. He loves you far more than you can wrap your head around and while your “earthly dad” may not be what you hoped for, your Heavenly Father’s love is abundant and overflowing.
God is our Heavenly Father, a Father to the fatherless! I want you to sit in the quiet and really think about all the times that the Lord has protected you, guided you, made you feel loved and valued, provided for you, and showed you kindness and compassion. For every single quality you want in your dad, think of a time the Lord displayed that quality to you! Once you begin realizing that God has been meeting your idea of a dad for your entire life, you can begin leaning on Him as your Father.
Scriptures about God as our Father
Psalms 68:5-6 “God is in his holy Temple. He is a father to orphans, and he defends the widows. God gives the lonely a home. He leads prisoners out with joy, but those who turn against God will live in a dry land.”
2 Corinthians 6:18 “I will be your father, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.”
1 John 3:1 “The Father has loved us so much that we are called children of God. And we really are his children. The reason the people in the world do not know us is that they have not known him.”
Isaiah 64:8 “But Lord, you are our father. We are like clay, and you are the potter; your hands made us all.”
Written by: Ani Rall